I JUST DONT KNOW

Asalamualaykum Warahmatullah,

Firstly, I'd like to apologise for my inconsistency in uploading my blogs. 

For some reason, inspiration has fled and I am left feeling as though what I have to say is not as interesting as I think it could be.

However, I realised that I started this blog as a way for me to express my thoughts and feelings and if any readers are interested then they are more than welcome to read it.

Recently, I have felt like I have had so much negativity in my life. Not necessarily directed towards me, but just around me. 

I feel like I cant handle it, but I am forced to deal with it. 

This summer so much happened that was emotionally straining that when I began my year of education again, I automatically released any stress that I was feeling, so much so that I feel like I have almost lost the energy to feel.

I have lost the energy to be angry, to be sad, to be happy. 

Its not good, not good at all.

Events that occur around me, that I have been involved in for a while, have now come to light, its as though everyone is becoming involved and therefore I want to become less involved. 

I feel like I just want to do what is best for me and leave anything that is not good for me. I feel like I want to be there for everyone and anyone but at the same time I want to avoid everyone. 

I feel like I want to release myself from certain shackles and completely do as I please, but habit and consistency keep me locked down. 

I worry that all of this will at some point come to an end, during an inappropriate moment. 

I often wonder if there are people there for me as much as I am there for them.

I wonder whether people are appreciative to me as I am for them.

I wonder if I am seen as a last resort, as a means to accomplish another's need to fulfil their dreams alongside some form of company. 

I wonder.

I feel like I need to let emotion out. 

They say that sometimes it is good to cry, to let it out. There is no shame about it. 

The more I think about it, recently I feel like anything could happen and I will become a broken tap.

I just need something to trigger it. 

I just need..