AM I CRAZY?

Asalmualaykum Warahmatullah,

Firstly, I'd like to apologise for the lack of posts lately. 

This week has been jam packed and exhausting. 

This blog post is going to be talking about 'mental illness'.

I have often wondered if we all suffer with some form of mental illness during some point in our lives.

I feel as though the more I get older, the more people I realise, have gone through some sort of mental break down.

I use the word 'mental' to highlight the fact that we cannot see the pain that others suffer with. It is not immediately apparent to us that more people than we think are suffering because there is no physical wound.

I'll share with you my story.

It all started when I was in year 13 (last year of sixth form/college) after the christmas holidays. 

Because I had initially experienced failing some subjects, I was adamant never to do that again. 

Come christmas holidays, I spent the entirety of the two weeks, couped up in my room, not leaving unless its to go to the toilet or to eat. Even when I ate, I brought the food to my room and continued to work. 

The day before my exam, I suddenly felt exhausted mentally, and almost felt like after all of that work, I could not be bothered to do my exams. However, I stuck to it.

I felt so exhausted after, that I was not ready to jump straight into work again. But back then, there was no break between your January exams and the preparation for the summer exams. 

I just felt like I needed a break, but that didn't come because I had to start working for the summer exams. Every year, my birthday has been smack-bang in the middle. However, turning 18 was the worst for me. My mind was everywhere, I was thinking about my exams, turning 18 and being almost 20! Which meant 10 years from 20, which meant 20 years from 40, which meant that I only had to live the amount of years that I've already lived before Im 'old'. I forgot how long time was. I couldn't see time! I felt like it was running and I couldn't catch it. I was thinking about moving for uni. I overthought e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.

As the exams approached, and studying started up again, I remember sitting at my desk in my room then it was like a trigger went off in my head and I felt like I was going crazy.

Actually insane.

I felt like my entire conscious barrier that stops what is appropriate and what isn't, crumbled. 

Disappeared. 

I could no longer control my thoughts. In two seconds I was gone, I couldn't sit still, I needed to pinch  myself to try and distract my thoughts but nothing worked. 

Its hard to explain, but my dark thoughts were Islamic based. I felt like I didn't know enough to help myself.

I call it my lost period.

I no longer wanted to be in my room, it made me sick.

I was caught pacing downstairs by my mum even though I can hardly remember how long I was there for. I think I scared my mum because she caught me in the pitch black darkness in the middle of the night just walking in circles. 

It got to the point where I felt like if I was to open my mouth, all the bad stuff that was going on in my head was going to tumble out.

I forgot how to communicate with people.

I didn't know how I ever made conversation with anyone. 

I just forgot.

I started forcing myself to spell Allah using my tongue across my teeth.

I started trying to focus all my energy into making sure I knew who Allah was to me. 

I had to use so much mental strength to try and envision what I was, who I was.

It was like rebuilding myself up with the constant force of evil pushing against me. 

It was like I was trying to close a door but pushing against an army of strong men who were trying to keep the door open. 

I thought I was a lost cause. 

I tried to find help but never found it.

I tried to communicate but no-one understood.

I tried to describe it but it came out light.

Even self-harm crosses your mind, aoothobillah.

Anything to get rid of these thoughts, these evil thoughts.

May Allah protect us all!

I could barely concentrate on my exams, I didn't know how to feel about university.

I didn't know how to feel at all.

Slowly but surely I started forcing myself. 

Fighting to figure out how to push my mental gate back up.

Learn more, fight more. 

Everyone thought I was normal, that I was fine. But I wasn't.

I tried to make my mind strong again, by reading, by watching videos.

I was worried about going to uni because I wasn't sure how I was going to communicate with anyone because I had developed this thing where if was to converse with anyone, in the middle of the conversation something would happen and I was scared that I would voice the thought in the middle of the conversation without warning. So I would have to have a break mid conversation to collect my thoughts before continuing. 

To this day, its a constant battle. To this day, I worry about stress. 

It does make you stronger, but it makes you wary. 

I never want to go there again. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.

You can never fully explain a mental process. You can never do the experience justice. 

All you can do is warn people the events leading up to the situation and how to avoid it.

Nothing is more important than your health. Not even success.